


Obsessive

by Adverant



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Masturbation, Probably Depression I guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-21 15:00:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15560331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adverant/pseuds/Adverant
Summary: Ed just can't get his memories of them out of his head, even in the most personal places of his life.





	Obsessive

**Author's Note:**

> I suppose it's been forever since I posted last, huh? I used to be into the Youtuber RPF scene, and it's since... kind of lost me. However, I found myself wandering into the FMA side of fanfiction, and I haven't hated it. I was due a full series '03-through-brotherhood rewatch anyways. I still cried at the end.
> 
> And you know, sadomasochist I am, I had to start off my step into this new fandom with some hurt-without-comfort after all. It's just in my nature~

He just couldn't get them off his mind.

Most days were simple enough; day in and day out, nothing particularly bothersome happening in his life. After all, everything had come to pass now and the pain he'd felt over the past two years was finally fading. Then, maybe he'd spoken far too soon. He knew somewhere out there, Alphonse was worried out of his mind, his brother had all but threatened to come home and kidnap him. Edward willed his mind away from his brother, he knew it would only ruin his mood and make life a little harder for him. His body was soaked in sweat and the fingers of his left hand were threaded through his hair, slightly long fingernails scraped lightly against his scalp when he clenched his hand. There wasn't much else he could think to do with it, the damn thing was all but completely useless after all, even now. His left hand's grip tightened around him and he gave a grunt, his eyes fluttering shut in an attempt to focus on his motions instead of the ceiling above him that seemed to cloud his mind with undesirable thoughts.

It didn't matter what he tried to do to distract himself, though, he couldn't get them out of his head. He could see those bright eyes every time he closed his, could feel her hands in his while they sat across from each other in the cabin of a ferris wheel, winding web-like streets sprawled far below them, covering the area in sight and wilderness stretching to the horizons beyond that. He could see it all, every detail including the other park rides from his peripheral vision but his golden gaze was locked unwavering on hers, wide. Blue. Scared. The heights terrified her and he knew that when he'd coerced her to join him, his fingers curled tighter around her hands, his thumbs rubbing gentle circles into the back of her hands, "Keep your eyes on me, okay?" He intentionally spoke softly, the wind blew his bangs into his face and the cabin creaked during its ascent, he could feel her trembling. She pleaded under her breath, "Please... don't let it stop at the top..." He felt a pit of regret and guilt hit his stomach for a moment, she looked absolutely pitiful with her fear of these heights. He broke from their locked gaze to peer across the horizon all around them and instantly felt her grip on him go from loose and casual to a death vice, as if she were holding onto a life line. Edward's brow furrowed and he turned his eyes back to hers, her trembling coming in spurts now rather than a constant motion of her still body, stiff in her anxiety. He offered a sweet smile, threading their fingers, "Easy," his voice was smooth, calm, and reassuring, "We're going to have to stop at the top on the last round, they have to let people off the cabins," he could feel her breath hitch at that.

"When we do, I want you to look. You may very well not get another chance, for a while if ever," He could feel her anticipation and fright welling up before she really reacted, and reassured her again, "I'm right here. It'll be easy, okay Winry...? Nothing's going to happen to you." She let a sigh escape her lips but it wasn't without a bit of a whimper, he knew it was going to be hard for her. She steeled her resolve, brows furrowing deep while she set her mind, it was something he saw often and it was an expression he couldn't have helped but to love her for. Slowly, the ferris wheel climbed, lifting them farther above the crowded fairgrounds below, and gave them the sight of a lifetime. A cityscape far and wide, crested with trees and towering mountains topped with snow amidst a cloudless blue sky. Everything glistened with the sun's light, golden and true. He watched her swallow hard, she allowed herself to release one of his hands to place trembling fingers against the seat behind her as she shifted her weight, the cabin gently rocked and for a moment he thought she might be sick. The look on her face... he wouldn't soon forget it. If ever. Stunned, like a deer in headlights, her breath hitched and her heart lurched. He could feel it too, but for entirely different reasons. It was beautiful, she lamented the beauty to him despite her fear even though she could only glance for a moment at a time before getting lightheaded, dizzy, and he couldn't help but think... well, so was she. He'd never been more in love with her. The ferris wheel was back in motion all too soon, stuttering in its turn to let off other passengers, and allowed them time to talk, allowed him time to literally talk her down, he could still feel her nerves buzzing from the exhilaration. When they got off, Alphonse was waiting for them not far off, gorging himself on miniature donuts, to which Edward exclaimed, wanting in on the action. He moved to chase after his brother but was stopped by a grasp at his wrist, he looked over his shoulder to find a blank-faced Winry clutching his arm, the one that was once automail but now she could feel his pulse through it. Her eyes were on the ground, he turned to face her, "Winry, what's wrong?" he inquired, worry etching his voice, she pulled him into an embrace. Her arms wrapped loosely around him, and for that time their hearts seemed to connect. For a moment... they were more than friends. The docile moment was quick to fade, the excitement of the event around them wrapping them up in its glory once more. They rushed off to find more to do, he still couldn't shake the warmth in his chest from the memories they'd just shared.

Edward lurched forward, his motions stopped this time and he slammed both palms down against the bed, his breathing was labored. Internally, he cursed himself. He couldn't do this. What kind of poor excuse was he? He blinked, half expecting the scene to repeat, and wiped sweat from his forehead. Nothing. He took a slow shaky breath and let his eyes close peacefully, he trembled, ever so slightly, and could feel the brush of evening air on his arms. He gave a frustrated sigh and squeezed his eyes shut to give him time to reassure himself. He moved his left hand to his stomach, still one moment and the muscles of his abdomen tightened in the next. He lied back down, stared at the ceiling, and moved his hand further down his body again. His fingers crested over practically invisible golden hairs, soft and short, before he was able to grasp himself again. He resumed his motions and assured himself he'd make quick work of it, he needed to get past this. However, the thoughts invaded again.

This time, it was a familiar dark gaze he couldn't meet, a taller man dressed in uniform, Edward was sprawled across his bed. He ran a metal hand over his forehead and past his hairline, drawing back his bangs so he could peer sleepily to the other man as he dressed. "What time is it?" He groaned past a yawn, he was met with a pause of motion. "Early," A deep, warm voice responded, it held exasperation and apology, he clearly hadn't intended to disturb Edward, "Go back to sleep, Fullmetal." A smirk crossed his face, he suddenly felt more awake than ever, hooking a thumb in his own direction, "Not a chance!" Roy's smile was one of defeat, he knew that look well. Edward was still bare on his bed, partially, though barely, twisted in the sheets, and he could see the effect he had on the colonel plain and clear. Roy coughed, he averted his gaze and attempted to derail his mind from the gutter, but in Edward's memory he could clearly remember how the once sweet morning interaction got pretty heated. He remembered he had sat on the edge of the bed while the colonel did up his shirt, already wearing pants unfortunately. Roy shifted his erection, pinning it with his waistband to attempt to conceal his arousal for the time being since he would have to leave for work and the sooner the better. Edward didn't let him get far however, he leaned forward and caught the edge of the colonel's shirt and tugged him towards the bed. Roy stumbled slightly towards him, where he planted his feet between Edward's, his hands wandered to his superior's hips and gripped them hard. He looked up to Roy's dark eyes, gleaming with the heat of his desire. He'd decided he wasn't about to watch Roy walk out that door this way, and broke his gaze to lean forward. He felt his nose brush Roy's crotch, Edward licked his lips before kissing his pants where he could feel the colonel's erection beneath the fabric. His heart stuttered and he could feel the tingle through his spine, his breath hitched. He brushed his lips along the length, until he reached the waistband of Roy's uniform, he reached his arms around the older man's waist and mouthed at his erection, hearing the colonel moan from above him.

Edward lurched again, this time feeling a bit of bile raise in his throat. He stopped again, slamming his fist onto the mattress and throwing his head back, his bangs falling away from his face. His golden eyes burned with absolute rage, he threw himself onto his side and rolled onto his stomach. Edward crossed his arms over his pillow and dropped his chin onto them, brow furrowed deeply. He let out a frustrated cry, tilting his chin down to bury his eyes in his overlapping arms. This just couldn't keep happening to him, he couldn't possibly live with this forever. His chest ached, it felt hollow at once and all in the same was entirely sore as though every rib was broken. He knew he'd always been a compassionate person, he also knew he gave too much of himself to others. He blamed himself entirely for everything that had happened, he couldn't help but to feel pained by it. The memories were too much, they were ever-present and they were outright invasive. He could feel a wet spot on his arm, and soon liquid began to pour down his forearms and pool on his pillow, leaving damp dark spots that settled and left a temporary evidence of his internal aches, his body wracked with shuddering as he sobbed, quietly with huffed breaths and whimpers he tried his best to swallow. Two years. Longer, had he seen rejection from her, she never admitted to loving him or needing him, she'd only once ever told him she wanted him, and as soon as she had she'd wanted another just as much. However, from him... it had been love. He'd been so, effortlessly in love with both of them. One he'd had, and one he hadn't and in two years without them he couldn't force their damn memories out of his head even in that one unholy act he thought they couldn't invade. They'd already managed to invade the other parts of his life, until he couldn't bring himself to leave his home in fear of seeing them. He couldn't go to his favorite places, even the places he had once gone with Al when he needed to be alone. It hurt him a lot more than it should have, and he was intolerably aware of it. His heartbreak had crippled him with anxiety and paranoia, and now without alchemy he couldn't be forced to do anything productive, he just didn't feel he could.

He really was pretty damn stuck, wasn't he?


End file.
